Future Destinations
In the last blog post I shared about where God has me: suffering but hopeful. Now, I’m headed into even more of that hope: the opportunity to move across the country. The health conditions I have are worsened by heat, dust, and elevation, and I currently live in a desert mountain range. This was unknown to us when my husband and I moved here. Once we found out, we wanted to leave right away to prevent me from getting worse. That didn’t really work out. We visited Kentucky, where my husband has family, and toured apartments, but we felt it wasn’t where God wanted us. We explored a bit of where I grew up, Illinois, but the high taxes and zero degree weather weren’t going to work for us either. We considered where we met in college, but that place was a bit too… racist.. and expensive. We gave up. But, I still had it on my heart to move one day.
While living in the desert, I’ve struggled with the idea of finding contentment in life knowing I’m where God wants me. I have prayed to God, so many times asking, “is this desert my forever home? Do I simply lack the strength to keep going in an environment where I regularly fell into suicidal ideation because of my chronic illnesses?”. I thought for so long that I was missing something. I felt like I didn’t have enough faith, didn’t know how to lean on God to sustain me and give me strength, and I wondered what I was doing wrong. I knew my health conditions were worsened by the desert environment and I also knew that God told us to stay put for now. I know God loves me and that the center of His will is the best place to be. But how do I handle knowing the center of God’s will is for me to live in a place where I feel absolutely awful? How do I get strength during something like that?
The strength I was looking for was given through God not in muscles or mental fortitude like I pictured, but by my community, my friends, my new family. They have all supported us left and right and have not left us a day without making sure we’re okay. If we miss Bible study, someone reaches out. If we haven’t given an update on my health in a while, someone asks. If we are struggling, someone randomly sends us money and pays for what we can’t afford. The community we have is not something I ever want to leave. I never want to be away from friends such as these that make me feel loved but also give me the opportunity to love!
How can I balance that love and support with my chronic health? Is it possible to be so loved and supported that living in a place you’re literally allergic to becomes possible?
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More often than not, my head is hurting. Often, I get migraines that knock me down and keep me locked in a quiet room for hours or days. Migraines are incredibly painful and disabling. During one, I can’t handle lights, sounds, or movement. And they can last for up to 3 days! During the worst peaks of my bad health, during the summer, I will have up to 3 migraines per week, each lasting 1 to 3 days. Shockingly, once, when I visited a cooler state, most of my migraines went away. How do I live contently in the desert knowing that? It drove me insane. I recall being in that cool state and looking at the weather forecast for the desert, panicked, totally unsure how to get through summer knowing what was ahead of me.
This summer of 2026 is hopefully to be the last desert summer, because after witnessing me have a yet another full mental breakdown, my husband said, “Let’s move states then!”. Maybe my husband felt it in his heart that the time was now, maybe he felt like God told him yes, or maybe he was simply too sad to see me crying on the floor saying I’m ready to die again and again and again. Maybe it was all of those things.
Before we took such a huge step, and officially decided we were going to move, we prayed. Doors literally flew open! His job approved him to fully work from home, even as the company policy was being faded out. My beloved clients agreed to help me fly in to pet sit when I am feeling up for it. Our friendships are deeper than even just a few years ago and we feel confidence in them loving and supporting us as we make a move to do what’s best for us. We know that they’re on our side, we know that God is moving along with us, and so we feel yes, we can move forward, yes we can move states, and yes we will make it out of here alive. Hopefully, in the next place we will be well, too!
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